Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
