U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
