cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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