My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Rumble strips road head = magical
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
