Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
