I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we're making bets on your personal life
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
