Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
