why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
