It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
