Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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