I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
