i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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