there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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