Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
