Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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