A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
