I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
