i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
im six kinds of drunk right now
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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