My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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