I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
