Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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