i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
