i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
