I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Randomize
