To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
