Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
