I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
