I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
