you guys were way drunker than both of me
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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