I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Randomize
