I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
