I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
