y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
