when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
mondays should just be called national damage control day
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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