im drinking this country out of the recession.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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