I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
