Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
