I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
