you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
