do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have feelings that need drinking.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
