Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
