How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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