I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
