His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He better not be in your backpack
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
