I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
