Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
