I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize