Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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