I cannot find my penis.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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