Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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