Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
