just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
