You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
