You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
