On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
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That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
well, you know. whores of a feather.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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