Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
