3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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