The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
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his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
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She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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