She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
