I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
