my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
True strength comes from lack of pants
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
