I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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