Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
