Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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