I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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