her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
