On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
