I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
