You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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