I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
